Journal from 838

I saw a movie for my Modern Japan class. I have seen it before. The actor looks a lot like Atsushi and I cannot get him off of my mind. I do not want to get him off of my mind. How is it that I still miss him?

Life rushes by way to fast. It is already the end of second week. Ballet is going really well. We have rehearsal about 5 days a week. It is so much and the show will be great. You had better come!

I have been working really hard to stay upbeat these days but I will have to admit that I am absolutely exhausted. Ballet seems to be the only time of day when I do not feel completely worn out. I guess because it makes me so happy. I have been so busy these days (although I know that EVERYONE is busy). But I think these last few months have taken a toll on my strength. I would be looking forward to Christmas but I have to prepare for my comps and my SIP over the break. I do not really mind being busy at all and am actually enjoying what I have to do. But my body is not able to keep up with my mind and I feel weak. I got kind of used to taking life a little bit slower in Japan.

Our ballet is coming together nicely. The performanceon October 27 and 28. It will be so much fun so everyone who can better come to watch it!!

My classes are also very interesting, but the reading is extraordinary. Ah well.

I guess what bothers me though, is that stress is not a good thing. Being a hard worker is, but is there really a need to put myself through so much pain. I learned in one of my biology classes that stress is the primary cause of most modern chronic diseases. Stress simply causes one's body to wear down faster. It can also cause obesity. I do not want to wear my body down. I want to live to be old and beautiful like my grandmother and her mother. My grandmother is still so energetic and healthy, and hermother lived to be 85. I want to live like that too, but if I spend my whole life stressed out then I will not age gracefully.

So, if anyone has any advice about being productive but not being stressed, please tell me because I need it. I want to be active, productive and enjoy my many activities, not hate them.

Thats it. Time to go home soon. I am tired.

I just realized that my comprehensive exams are in a month. So is the ballet. I have barely read the books yet and I want to read them well. I want to dance well too. I do not have time to move in anymore. Vacation is over and it is back to K life. I suppose that all I can do is hold on for the ride and hope for the best. Wish me luck.

I am in Sapporo right now at my friend Arisa's house. I have been having an absolutely wonderful time. My friend Sakurako showed up on the train today and we had sushi for lunch. The two of them had planned the surprise for me and it was wonderful to see her! I also got to make a glass bead and that was alot of fun. I will go back to Tokyo to Saori`s house tomorrow.

One week left!

Macinac Island without me!? (tears)

Its ok, I am having a great time at the Nakagawa's but I really do not want to leave. We enjoyed wine with our dinner (hehee) and Taizo brought out pictures of when Mariko and I were little. It was tremendous fun. Please don't make me leave this place. I love this family, I really do. Mariko is the closest thing I have to a sister. She misses you Mom, it is kind of funny how she adores you as much as I adore Yumi. The four of us will always be connected.

Tomorrow it is to Saori's house though, and I know that will be wonderful as well. ;)

I arrived in Tokyo yesterday after almost 5 hours of train rides. I am strangely used to travel now though and do not get stressed out a bit though, just tired.

I spent the weekend at my friend's minshuku (tourist home) in Toyama. It was very weird. I spent most of the weekend trying to recover my senses after the shock of moving out. This is the most traumatic move I have experienced and I had absolutely no real apetite until I arrived at the Nakagawa's last night. But the weekend was lovely. I meet Hiromi's family, including her neices (4 mths and 1 yr) and nephew (4 yrs). They are so cute!! We went to a small botanical garden and I got to see tons of butterflies. We also went to beach with her nephew and did fireworks in the evening. All in all, I ate well, slept a lot, and just chilled out in the seaside village.

I will admit though, I could not wait to get to Tokyo, and now that I am here I do not want to leave. It is so nice to Mariko and talk to her. I feel like I am at home. Taizo and Yumi have also been in a very good mood. Every time I see them they seem happier and Mariko says they have been in especially good moods these days. Taizo and Yumi laugh and joke around so much more than they used. We had beer at dinner like Yumi does every night and watched TV after dinner like it has always been when I come. Mariko came home from her club late like usual and there was the normal sharing of recent pictures and stories before bed. I folded the laundry as well and feel comfortable enough to help with things around the house. Mariko said this is my second home and she is right. I even have a place at the table. The same place I have always had and it does not interrupt anyone else's place. I am sure these things sounds silly, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I know I need family and the Nakagawa's and Ebisawa's are the closest I have to family on　this side of the world, but that is more than most people who come to Japan. I know I am lucky. It feels really good to be able to go "home" and see people I love again.

So yeah... Now I am really happy. (^-^)

Congratulatios to my MOM!!!!!! She has gotten an amazing new job! :)

Well, I move out in two hours. I know I am still anxious because my body is freaking out, even though mentally I feel very calm, I have barely been able to eat for a week. I talked to mom two nights ago though and got my apetite back for about 12 hours. I have been finishing up all of my tasks, walking around my little county thing (kamigyo-ku :) taking pictures of all of my favorite places, and I went to Arisa's ballet in Osaka. She spent the night last night and we looked at the stars on the room for a while. She was in a really good mood because her ballet performance was over and we had a lot of fun just doing nothing. It was nice to spend my last night here with my best friend from this year. I am truly blessed to have met the friends I have made this year. I was also excited because Arisa was asking me about my family on the trainride home and I got to talk about Drew and Ben, which is my favorite conversation subject since I got to Japan. It is nice when people listen :).

Tonight I am going to Megu's house and in the morning we will go to Gifu with our ballet circle. We will stay at a hot springs resort. The price was amazing because Aya searched and found a great package. After that I will spend one more night in Kyoto and then go to Toyama-ken to stay with Hiromi. I will probably be able to write from there. I am excited because I will get to go to the beach. A real beach! With a sea! I have not seen once since I was 3. Michigan's Lakes do not count as beaches, according to mom. lol. :) Time to do my last packing!

Friday night Arisa and Megumi set up a surprise good-bye party for me with a bunch of my ballet friends. It was at a lovely resteraunt, and Marippe even brought me a little cake. It was so sweet and I was so surprised. Afterwards, I went to karaoke with Arisa, Naomi, and a few others. They sang me lovely songs and I could not help but cry. It was such a bittersweet feeling —to feel so loved at the same time as to feel so empty and lost amidst the inevitable parting. It was a beautiful evening and I will never forget it.

Yesterday I packed all day. Today I am going to Arisa's ballet performance.

It is so hot and humid here. I can handle it and still cannot sleep with air conditioning, but wow.... I sweat more just walking than I did working my hardest in soccer!! According to weather.com it is 36°C but feels like 42°C. (That would be 97°F feeling like 107°F) It will only get HOTTER for the rest of the month. On the other hand though, it will thunderstorm all week next week and get down to 32°C. Also, when it is this hot in a country with no central air, I loose my apetite, and THIS is the ONLY thing saving me money right now!)

If you are calling my cell phone, I should get the call. It rings when Dad calls, so double check with him. My room phone is already canceled though because I move out on Tuesday, so calling that line will not work anymore.

When I am alone in my packed up room my heart sinks. This has been my home for a year. I can say goodbye to my friends relatively calming, saying "I will see you again" and knowing that I can do nothing about the fact that I absolutely must say goodbye for the year. But once I am home I can do nothing but sit and stare, or take a shower to distract myself. Carmen was the only goodbye that made me cry. I cannot explain the feeling of that so I will not even try.

Yesterday was a rough day. It was my last day of ballet and then I was planning to meet my friend Hitomi afterwards. I got an email from the man who teaches the morning class where I was teaching English, asking what time we were going to meet for a goodbye dinner with Hiromi (who I teach with). I wrote, I am sorry but I have ballet, and he got upset. He worte back that I am no longer a child, and as an adult need to keep my word or I will loose credibility. He also said he should have not done all of his preparations. The things is, while I knew he wanted to have a dinner and I was willing to make time for it, I had never recieved any email from him or Hiromi, informing me that yesterday would have been the day we would have dinner. I knew that telling him　that it was his fault would only anger him more, so I apologized for my childish behavior, exaplined myself and offered to go to ballet only to say goodbye at the beginning for class, then take the train to Yamashina for dinner. This would also mean canceling plans with my friend, but I did not tell him that. Fortunately, as a student he had been on study abroad and was kind enough to "understand how I could make double or triple plans my last month here." I am still annoyed that he thinks it was my fault when I never knew about the plans in the first place, but that would be unhelpful to say, so I just thanked him for his "kind understanding" and the "valueble lesson he taught me about being an adult." He seemed happy with that, but had already enterd work plans in the evening, and so I was able to go to ballet and have a drink with Hitomi.

Other than that, life is all packing and goodbyes, and wrapping up all of the loose ends. My mind is spinning. Moving is stressful for anyone, but I think moving from country to country adds a little extra pain to the experience. I do feel a lot stronger than I did a year ago though. And I am looking forward to the faces I will see at home. (^o^)

I have been saying goodbye to my friends one by one. It is very sad.

My exams will be over Wednesday. About the boy :) (he is NOT my boyfriend though...)

I am sooooooo happy to hear that the El-Awads are ok. I am still sad and angry about the 360+ civilians killed in Lebanon though. It was good to read what Kofi Annan had to say to the world though. It is about time someone condemn both Hezbollah and Isreal for its action. Absolutely nothing is being achieved except the killing and dislocating of civilians.

I have discovered a new favorite food: peppers. I liked them, but now I figured out that all I have to do is toast them for 7 minutes and then I have dinner. It is very exciting for me :) I would like to hug whoever invented the toaster oven.

Exams are stressful. My teacher wants our class to volunteer to do out presentations again on Wednesday for fun. Yeah... right. I try to be Japanese and gentle about most refusals I make here, but at the end of today I was too tired to play games and just said "No, I am tired and I do not like giving presentations." One of the difficult things about Japanese culture is that no does not really have a meaning until you say it THREE times. Even then, the concept of no seems to make little sense to most people I know...

Anyhow, it is the weekend and I am happy.

Dear family. I am sorry I have not been writing lately. I am in the middle of exams and getting reasdy to move out so I am sooooooo busy and exhausted, but good nonetheless and enjoying life. Japan is still a very safe place.

However, If ANYONE knows ANYTHING about the how the El-Awads are doing please tell me. Please tell me they are not in Lebanon and please tell me their family is ok. I have been worrying about them for days.

I did tell the man that your Dad is a Jew. And of course, since I am the stubborn daughter you know so well I cannot completely agree with and naturally had to argue back, which is what made the conversation so long.

Here the plans for the rest of the month (I will soon loose internet as well because I move soon).

This is the last week of classes and then next week and a half we have finals. I will spend these too weeks studying and playing. Then I have a week and a half before I move out on the 8th. I plan to pack, close my bank account and such, and of course play with my friends :). Once I move out I will spend one night at Megu's house then go for a night to a hot springs with some friends. I will then come back to Kyoto for a night (don't know where I am staying yet). After that I will go to Toyama for three days to my friend's house. I met Hiromi through my part time job and we have become good friends. From there I will go to Tokyo to see the Nakagawa's and Ebisawa's. I will be there for about 11 days (not exactly sure. After that I will go to Sapporo to stay at Arisa's house for four days. I will then go back to Kyoto and stay with my friend Mariko for a night or two. I have have a two nights that I am not sure of, but I am hoping to stay with Haruko. If not I will stay with Mariko or Megu in Kyoto. The last night before I leave I will stay in hotel with Megumi and we plan to stay up all night talking and being goofy like in high school. :P I will then depart the next day.... Scary scary. So fast.

I am not ready to leave. My friend Yuuno said "sume ha miyako"' which means that where you live becomes home. It is a Japanese saying. So true... But Detroit is still home, as is Kalamazoo, and Grandma's house. I will be sad to leave this one, but I know that when I go back I will have homes there too. AAAAGGGGHHHH feelings are very complicated things. Why do we have to have names for them?

While I was going for my walk in Gosho (the Imperial Palace Gardens) I got stopped by this white dude. I usually nod at foreignors here how look directly at me. It is kind of a thing to do in Kyoto, for those of us gaijin who live to nod to each other. But he said hi, then asked if I went to Doushisha Women's College. Aparently he is a social studies teacher at Doushisha. He talked my ear off for an hour. I was annoyed because I wanted to continue on my walk. Anyhow, this is the first time I met an Anti-Semitist. He seems to believe that Jews are trying to divide and conquer America. Every problem in the world seemed to be because of Jews. This dude is from New Zealand. It was just weird. He also kept saying that whites have a right to exist and that Mexicans and third-world peoples threaten American culture and that this is the Jews fault because they control too much in America. Really weird conversation.

I think that the world can just be a really really cruel and sad place sometimes. But I do not think that most people are bad. People just are.

Well, I only have one week of school left and then finals. I have been doing really well this week. I bought a food journal because my eating was starting to get out of balance again. It has been so helpful because it has little places to mark what food groups I ate for the day and so I can how balanced my diet was. It is really helpful and I feel really good because it helps me to remember to eat vergetables and all sorts of things, as well as not feel bad about eating bread. It also has 3 slots of meals. I often eat two meals a day because I am busy so I combine lunch and dinner, but I am goaling myself towards eating three meals a day and I feel a lot less exhausted at the end of the day when I do this. There is a place for sleep as well. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I really need to work on sleeping more. Hmmm that is more of a challenge for me... I am a night person and our world demands that one wakes up early...

My Swedish friend Mina has come over to visit with a bottle of wine the last two days. It was nice to just chill out. She is a few years older then me and I really enjoy listening to her talk. She gives great boy advice! ;-P I can also just relax without makeup on in my pajamas with her. I like this. Going out to often is stressful. It isnt my style. It reminds of hanging out with Steph though and so I also miss Steph very much.

I am not going to right about school. I just cant wait for it to be over.

Micheal James Carter (July 4, 2004)

You will never be forgotten.
May you rest peace.

In class I did some math. I spend 22.5 hours a week in class in Japan, compared to about 17.5 in America. However, I spent less that 20 hours a week on homework here, while I spend well over 50 hours per week on homework at home. So, here, I spend about 42.5 hours being a studnet, and almost 70 at Kalamazoo. I am not making comments or complaing about anything. I just wanted to point out the numbers because they are interesting to me.

I made some art yesterday again. Happiness.

According to my Sociology teacher, the number one cause of death amoung Japanese adults is suicide. This is a very sad thing. But he did say to me after class that it is probably much higher in the US than we realize, as because of the influence of Judeo-Christian thought in our culture, suicide is often under reported. Here it is a very open and talked about subject.

It stormed today. I love storms. But my pants got very very wet.